Sunday

SO.... I'd like to open with what's been bothering me soooo much the last few days. it's a phrase and a scripture. I was walking to work when both hit me. The first thought was a scripture " Love the Lord thy God with all thine heart and lean not unto thy own understanding , in all thy ways acknowledge him , and he shall direct thy paths." well it goes something like that. Then the thought that followed was the ever famous ," I know the Lord wont give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didnt trust me so much." I feel like that is how my life has been lately. I'm trying to give myself to the Lord , to trust in him and trust that he knows what he's doing and What I need at any particular time. I'm trying really hard, but It's hard. VERY HARD. I see people getting married and having kids, even people just getting dates. I for some reason can't even get a date. I've kind of figured out why too. The guys in our ward, dont want to date girls from our ward , they want to date girls in other wards. I'm not in school ,and I work at the mall. the chances of me meeting a guy from another ward is like 1 in a million. so basically I have NO chance of ever getting a date. at first I was not too happy with this. Mainly because there are some SUPER HOT guys in My ward. but now in retrospect... that's probably a good thing for me right now. That way I can focus on things I need to focus on... like setting a budget and following through. I've also been thinking that as much as I want to get my CNA , I dont think now is the best time for me to do so. I think Tori is going to quit soon because she does have her CNA and has a job already which means it's going to be me and Jake running the Store. And Jake since he's like.... above the regional manager... ( he explained it to me one night) He has other stores he'll have to check on and such. which would leave me. at the store. by myself most nights. Which means no time for me to do much of anything besides work. which will also probably end up being a blessing in disguise... boo to that. So again , I will have no life because i'm dedicating it to the "bigger picture" anyways. Every night I pray for a date. is that wrong of me?

New Life

There are Very few things in life I actually regret. For the most part I live by the phrase " never regret anything because at some point it was exactly what you wanted" however there are only 2 things I actually regret. The first I have to tell the story behind. When I was in I guess mia maids we had a lesson where we had to take something that belonged to an ancestor of ours and tell a story about them. I wanted to do something on my Granny King , Which I suppose I ended up doing. My mom wanted me to do something on her dad. You see her dad died when she was 8. So I never actually knew him in "real life". I got wayyyy upset and was like I don't want to do something on him. he's NOT my grandpa. I regret that. for multiple reasons. The first being that looking back I see how much it hurt my mom's feelings. the second being that throughout my life. even at that age I had indeed felt his presence at moments. I never told anybody that , but on some of the nights when I was really scared and having nightmares, I'd pray for Heavenly Father to send me a guardian angel. someone to protect me. I always KNEW, and I wont deny this either, that he sent my grandpa stevens. I knew he was there and that he'd protect me. To this day whenever I get really scared I pray for his comfort and protection. last of all because let's get technical here. He IS my grandpa. It's HIS blood in me. While I love my grandpa Gattis, and still consider him my grandpa , and let's be honest no one could have a better grandpa than him, he's not my grandpa , my mom's dad is. that is regret number one. That I so foolishly said something that stupid as a teenager. The 2nd regret may not seem so big , but now that i'm older I seriously am upset about this one. This regret is simply that I dont have as great of a relationship with my mother as my sisters do. Actually that i didnt have that great of a relationship with my mother. I have it now I think , but i'm sad i missed out on so many years i could've spent developing a good long relationship with her. She's actually one cool lady. Those are the ONLY two regrets I have.

But that's not what all I wanted to talk about really.

I was just kinda chillin out tonight , and I was thinking. the last 4 days have been so ... Great. I've sorta changed as a person , and it's way obvious to me. I had a mini melt down on my way home from work because I had no clue what i'm doing out here. I was just looking at the mountains at one point and freaked. I honestly can't remember why i moved out here. At all. and it scares me. I have no clue where i'm going in life or why i'm out here. I know i'm supposed to be out here , but I have no idea why and it honestly scares me. I dont have anyone out here besides Ginny. and she's at school all the time. i hardly ever see her. so really i'm out here on my own , with no idea why i'm even doing this anymore. anyways so i was thinking about how happy i've been lately. while I will give some credit to the fact that my mom suggested thankful lists everyday , I want to give most of the credit to... I want to say Gin , but she really didnt do anything. You see , everynight , I would walk to the kitchen around 11pm and Ginny would be on the couch reading her scriptures. this last week I've made a conscious effort to read my scriptures and say my prayers , and write in my journal. Honestly I have to give most of my happy points to that. I've seen a huge difference in my life. Things that used to bother me just dont anymore. I'm happier emotionally too. Tonight while I was reading my scriptures I read about when Nephi built the ship and his brothers got all crazy and tied him up. In one verse he was talking about his parents , his wife , and his children. At that moment I just KNEW that Nephi was a real guy. He really did live and write all that scripture down. He was one amazing man. I admire his courage. I mean think about it. He wrote all that stuff. He had no idea why he was writing it , he just wrote it because the Lord told him to. I want a husband like him. Maybe not just like him, but I want my husband to have that kind of faith. I want that kind of faith. anyways. I should really get to bed, but I just HAD to share my Aha! moment of the day. Crazy huh?

Grateful

So I had been having a really rough few weeks. I mean way straight up horrible . Didnt feel good , which made me want to do nothing for days on end. which is bad because i have work. where i actually have to work.sort of. and my mood will affect how i sell. which does kind of suck. well one day I commented on my mothers wall about how I missed her guts and how i just wanted someone to love me. She told me to make a grateful list every day. i've done it 3 days and i can already see a huge difference in my moods. Sure life is still rough , I still just want to lay in bed, and no , no guy wants to date me yet. but that's ok. because now as i'm going through my day I look for things to be grateful for. Today it mostly revolved around the priesthood. I've never really noticed how great this blessing is in my life. until I had to leave home. I mean yeah i grew up with the priesthood, and I knew my dad would gladly help out whenever I needed it. but there is something about the guys in my ward that make me SINCERELY appreciative of the priesthood. Me and Ginny, My roommate were talking about it tonight. there are 90% of guys we figured who just dont care who are seriously scummy guys. and we figure that the other 10% , the guys who are super nice , and funny , and willing are in our ward. And tonight, after our week of craziness, when we literally had to call over guys from our ward for blessings 4 times, we were super grateful for how willing they always were. willing and Ready. They ALWAYS wanted to know if there was anything else they could do, and they always stayed and talked to us ,making sure we were happier before they left. I have NEVER been more grateful to have such great men surrounding me. My hometeahers are the BEST I can honestly say the best i've ever had. our EQP. is way awesome too. Every other guy in our ward is cool too. Tonight Nate and Carl came over to give Ginny a blessing. and while we had never had those two in our apartment before we were quick friends. They are great guys too. I dont think anyone in our ward can complain. These guys also bring the spirit with them when they arrive. even if it's not for home teaching or a blessing. I appreciate that they are living worthy enough to have their priesthood. anyways , i have to be up early for work so i'm gonna peace out , but have a great evening :)